Editing, Day 13--Character Motivation

And we’re back.

I’m going to plunge right in with adding more CM reactions to our action scene. I’m starting in where we left off yesterday. One important note: I’m adding actions according to how I understand the characters. Which can’t be completely, because I haven’t read the rest of the book. I’m going on simply what I have to go on. As I've said before, my rewrite isn't the way to write the scene. It is merely an example of how I would put the techniques we've been discussing to work.

The blow blackened the room, fuzzed its edges. Dizziness coiled through Christy.

Vince threw her to the floor. "Piece of trash."

She drew a shaky breath, struggled to raise her head. “Vince, stop. Please.”

In the first paragraph, we already have an internal reaction line—regarding the dizziness. And we certainly need one, ’cause the reader needs to feel the results of that blow to the temple along with our character. What do you think—should we place another internal reaction before she draws the shaky breath? We have some time here, because she’s on the floor, struggling with dizziness. I’m thinking about all the times Christy must have heard stuff like this from Vince in the past—cut-downs, telling her she’s nothing. I want to see her emotional pain that reacts to such words as much as she reacts physically to blows. Because we all know that emotional abuse can sometimes be as difficult to handle as physical abuse.

Something else. By placing an internal reaction here, we are helping to set up the change that’s going to come in Christy when she decides to fight. That change will seem greater in comparison if we see her wallowing in the mental abuse at this point. But how to write a CM that’s the right length and isn’t telling? Answer-- we have to keep close to her thoughts, rather than drawing back into narrative. Something like:

Vince threw her to the floor. “Piece of trash.”

The words knifed. How many times had she heard them, had they caused her to grovel at his feet? Much as she was now.

She drew a shaky breath, struggled to raise her head. “Vince, stop. Please.”

I think that's better. Not only is she reacting to hearing the harsh words again, but also the last line--Much as she was now--adds an element of self-loathing. Circumstances have caused her to grovel once again--literally this time--and she hates that. I also think these added thoughts make the following sentence pop. Shaky stands out more to me now, as well as struggled. And her plea.

Going on.

“Too late, Christy.” He dragged her to her feet, shoved her against the stall door. The metal latch bit into her back. She moaned. “No more chances for you.”

He backhanded her face. Pain shot through her nose. Christy crumpled to her knees, hands flying to the wound. Blood dripped on her fingers.

I want more of a physical reaction to the pain. Something Christy does after she feels. In order to insert such a beat here and not make it too close to a beat in the previous sentence, I’m going to delete She moaned from the first paragraph.

“Too late, Christy.” He dragged her to her feet, shoved her against the stall door. The metal latch bit into her back. “No more chances for you.”

He backhanded her face. Pain shot through her nose. Christy cried out. She crumpled to her knees, hands flying to the wound. Blood dripped on her fingers.

Overall, I think this is better. And the first paragraph’s rhythm actually works better without that moaned beat. Things are happening too fast there for a moan.

“Look at you.” His tone sneered. “So ugly. What did I ever see in you?”

She cradled her nose, straining for air. Hating him. How could she ever have loved this man?

Okay, change moment is a’comin’ soon. We need to set it up more here. We’ve got some time to do that as she’s cradling her nose. A few seconds’ break in the action.

“Look at you.” His tone sneered. “So ugly. What did I ever see in you?”

She cradled her nose, straining for air. Hating herself. Hating him. How could she ever have loved this man?

I think that’s enough. Those two words hating herself speak volumes, and they pick up on that earlier beat we added about groveling at Vince's feet. These two words tell us that on one level Christy believes she’s ugly, because he’s said so often enough. And on another level she hates herself for not fighting back, because she knows what he says isn’t true. If we keep going with this thought, adding any more words than just these two, we’ll quickly resort to telling.

Vince pulled a wad of rope out of his jacket pocket.

Christy spied the rope—and knew. He was going to kill her.

Now Vince has her down, literally and figuratively. They’re alone. He’s on his feet; she’s injured and on the ground. She’s not going anywhere. What do you suppose a man like this is going to do now? I think he will slow his actions way down. I think he will play with her. Draw the moments out to make her suffer. In fact, I think we won’t even need Christy to tell us she realizes he’s going to kill her—because he’s going to let us know. This threat will be much stronger coming from his actions, and perfectly in keeping with who he is. Now, he won’t need to say the words I’m going to kill you, because he won’t need to. That would come off as stilted dialogue. He’s going to subtext this dialogue—that is, let his actions speak louder than his words, with his real meaning running like an undercurrent beneath the words.

When we allow Vince to show his true colors like this, the threat will become a stronger set-up for the change we will see in Christy.

Vince eased a wad of rope out of his jacket pocket. Let it dangle between his fingers, his eyes turning into slits. With an almost bored sniff, he planted his feet wide apart and began pulling the rope, inch by roughened inch, through his fist. Chin raised, he looked down upon Christy, smug, satisfied, distaste at her weakness curling one corner of his mouth.

“I have some special plans for you, girl.”

Notice the changed sentence rhythm to connote the more languid movement. The sentences become longer, some are complex sentences. We see some “ing” verbs. Notice also the subtexted dialogue. Special plans hardly mean fun in the sun. His meaning is clear because of what he's doing, not because of what he's saying. (Subtexting is a whole subject we have not tackled yet on this blog. We will at some point.)

With this kind of action on Vince’s part, the following sentences--Christy spied the rope—and knew. He was going to kill her.—become unnecessary. I don't think that line ever worked well anyway, because it was a telling sentence. We have now replaced it with action that helps us visualize the scene. And for me, his actions have so set up the threatening sentence we've added that I can hear it. I don't need to be told that his voice is low and hard and cold and sneering. I imagine all that because of the set-up.

She had to save herself. Do something. Her eyes darted, looking for a weapon. Straw bale. Horse comb. Saddle soap bottle.

Shovel.

It leaned against the wall by the door. Could she crawl fast enough?

Okay, first paragraph in this section is when the change in Christy will begin. She must decide to save herself. She has no choice now; it’s literally do or die. But what we currently have--She had to save herself. Do something--doesn't work for me. First, we've set up the rest of the scene enough now that the reader will expect for this change to take more time. Second, as far as action goes, we have time for more, because Vince is doing his play with the rope thing. We can afford a few sentences that will allow us to feel the passage of a few seconds.

So, BGs--how might you rewrite this part? Do I have any brave takers out there willing to post a try?

--------------------
Read Part 15