Today we finish our AS edit. I’m going to continue on with the rest of the scene after the moment of decision. I’ll include the last paragraph from the previous edit and then go on.
She rose slowly, head down, eyes on her target. Halfway to her feet, she lunged for the shovel. Grabbed its handle with both hands—and swung with all her might.
Thud. The back side smacked Vince in the head. He gasped, staggered sideways, momentarily stunned. The rope slipped from his hands. Christy threw the shovel aside. Move!
She scuttled from the barn, blood dripping and head spinning. Into the yard, past the pickups. Get to the house, lock the door! She’d find a gun, be ready for Vince—
The horse stood in the yard. Waiting for her. Christy wavered. Could she mount him in her dizziness?
Vince burst from the barn doorway, his eyes ablaze. Coming for her.
She would never make the house.
Those last three paragraphs feel a little abrupt for me. I think we need to see more of Christy’s thought processes. How about:
Christy drew up short, heart hammering. The horse stood in the yard, pawing the ground. Almost as if he waited for her. She wavered. Her nose throbbed and dizziness whirled in her brain. Could she mount him in such a state?
Sound from behind. Christy’s gaze jerked back toward the barn.
Vince burst from the doorway, his eyes ablaze. Coming for her.
Christy threw a desperate glance toward the house. She would never make it.
Adrenaline propelled her to Spirit. Frantically, she gathered the reins. Struggled for footing in the stirrup. She missed it, stumbled back. Tried again.
She threw a look over her shoulder. Vince streaked toward her, fifteen feet away. Ten.
With a cry, Christy sought the stirrup. Found it. She clutched Spirit’s mane like a lifeline. Summoned her strength—and launched herself upon his back.
Here, I’d like to fill out the action a little more in order to increase tension:
Adrenaline propelled her toward her only chance—Spirit. She stumbled to his side, frantically gathered the reins. Raised a foot of lead, nearly losing her balance. Christy struggled to find the stirrup. Missed it, staggered back. Tried again.
She threw a look over her shoulder. Vince streaked toward her fifteen feet away, his face contorted in rage.
Ten more seconds, and she was as good as dead.God help me!With a cry, Christy sought the stirrup. Found it. Her shaking foot slid into it—hard. She clutched the reins and Spirit’s mane like a lifeline. Summoned her strength—and launched herself upon his back.
And there we have it. We’re at the end of our edit. Hey, it only took us a mere 17 days. And you thought your wip was going slowly.
Tomorrow we’re going to look at the original AS and our final version, with a quick recap of all the techniques we’ve covered.
Remember—I hope you take away from this protracted, long edit some new ideas for techniques in your wip—and in your own voice. I’ve merely shown you my version of a rewrite as an example of how I would use these techniques we’ve discussed. What counts for you is how you'll put these concepts to use in your own writer’s voice.
Read Part 19