Christmas List

It’s Friday, thank goodness. I have had an unproductive week. I am really tired of unproductive weeks. Somehow I always manage to get a book out by deadline—and I manage to like the thing in the end—but every time I think maybe this one’s going to do me in.

At any rate, in my unproductive mode, I do not wish to teach or wax eloquent on any literary subject. What would really make me feel better is a good rant.

However—I fear ranting in a blog. Those of you who know me personally, or have been coming to this blog for a while, could put a rant in context. But what if a brand new reader visits my blog and happens upon a full-fledged, out-and-out, unabashed rant? Whatever would become of my stellar reputation?

It being the Christmas season, I therefore will soften my rantings and put them in the form of a Christmas list. Anyone out there looking to send me a present, please feel free to select from one of these items:

1. New plastic packaging for CDs that a person can actually open. I would like to buy a CD, return to my car and not have to stab the thing, bite it, jab it with the car key, and generally make all manner of frustrated remarks about lack of user-friendliness.

2. Decent customer service at businesses. You know, simple things, like—when you arrive, they look at you? Acknowledge your existence? Instead of focusing only on the current top person in line for minute after minute, after five, after ten, pretending you are not there so they don’t have to worry about all the time you are waiting when you really could be doing something else because goodness knows, you have better things to do than—

Oops. Sorry.

3. The national rule that all online stores must include a phone number. There are times in life when the computer freezes, or we mess up in online ordering, and just might like to talk to a real person.

4. A new DNA “I love to clean my room” gene that automatically kicks in during teenage years.

5. While we’re at it, another gene for the teenage years that makes one violently sick to the stomach the minute the cell phone call/text message limit has been exceeded.

6. A face cream that really does take away wrinkles. Every blessed one of them. Forever.

7. A million new loyal readers. Overnight shipping on this one, please.

8. The need for only four hours’ sleep a night. That way, when my entire day is unproductive, I can still crank out the pages from two to six in the morning.

9. A body that simply will not gain weight, whatever nonsense I eat.

And most of all . . .

10. A perfectly executed, all-the-reviewers-love-it, internationally best-selling masterpiece that writes itself.

Dare I ask what lovely new item might be on your list?