Friday, December 09, 2005

Christmas List

It’s Friday, thank goodness. I have had an unproductive week. I am really tired of unproductive weeks. Somehow I always manage to get a book out by deadline—and I manage to like the thing in the end—but every time I think maybe this one’s going to do me in.

At any rate, in my unproductive mode, I do not wish to teach or wax eloquent on any literary subject. What would really make me feel better is a good rant.

However—I fear ranting in a blog. Those of you who know me personally, or have been coming to this blog for a while, could put a rant in context. But what if a brand new reader visits my blog and happens upon a full-fledged, out-and-out, unabashed rant? Whatever would become of my stellar reputation?

It being the Christmas season, I therefore will soften my rantings and put them in the form of a Christmas list. Anyone out there looking to send me a present, please feel free to select from one of these items:

1. New plastic packaging for CDs that a person can actually open. I would like to buy a CD, return to my car and not have to stab the thing, bite it, jab it with the car key, and generally make all manner of frustrated remarks about lack of user-friendliness.

2. Decent customer service at businesses. You know, simple things, like—when you arrive, they look at you? Acknowledge your existence? Instead of focusing only on the current top person in line for minute after minute, after five, after ten, pretending you are not there so they don’t have to worry about all the time you are waiting when you really could be doing something else because goodness knows, you have better things to do than—

Oops. Sorry.

3. The national rule that all online stores must include a phone number. There are times in life when the computer freezes, or we mess up in online ordering, and just might like to talk to a real person.

4. A new DNA “I love to clean my room” gene that automatically kicks in during teenage years.

5. While we’re at it, another gene for the teenage years that makes one violently sick to the stomach the minute the cell phone call/text message limit has been exceeded.

6. A face cream that really does take away wrinkles. Every blessed one of them. Forever.

7. A million new loyal readers. Overnight shipping on this one, please.

8. The need for only four hours’ sleep a night. That way, when my entire day is unproductive, I can still crank out the pages from two to six in the morning.

9. A body that simply will not gain weight, whatever nonsense I eat.

And most of all . . .

10. A perfectly executed, all-the-reviewers-love-it, internationally best-selling masterpiece that writes itself.

Dare I ask what lovely new item might be on your list?

10 comments:

Domino said...

We all need to rant occasionally. My husband just witnessed my rantings and joined me. It sounded like we were arguing, but we were agreeing on something that bothered both of us.

God is patient with our human weaknesses. I'm so glad.

The top gift on my wish list this Christmas is for all people to move one step closer to God. Is this asking too much? Just think, if EVERYBODY started acting like they knew God just a little better than they do right now, what a huge impact that would have on the world.

Then your customer service would be better by far. ;)

Tina said...

I'm with you on the CD wrap. DVDs aren't much better. It doesn't take quite so long to reach the triumphant moment of removing every bit of plastic covering--only to discover security tape on three sides.

My next wish is for an aquisitions editor who sees the vast writing talent I possess.

Whoops, back that up. First, I should wish for that vast writing talent. Then I could produce a Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, as Mr. Ingermanson is fond of saying.

Gina Holmes said...

Amen to number one!

My selfish Christmas wish?

A book contract of course! (and maybe an endorsement from Frank Peretti, Ted Dekker and BC!)

Bonnie Calhoun said...

I agree on the CD/DVD wrapper thing, but I have a husband who is a pro at it 'cause he opens a lot of video games.

I only have two wishes:

#1 To have a closer relationship with the Lord.

#2 To produce multiple books that are good enough to go to the fifth and sixth printings like Brandilyn's! :-)

Dineen A. Miller said...

Oh, I like the ones about teenagers. My oldest is about to turn 16. I swear she was just born!

My list? Hmm, book contract would be nice. Mostly, I wish my mom were coming this year. I miss her tons.

Pammer said...

You can open those pesky little things.....if you have a doctorate in Quantum Physics! I abhor those things. I give them to my kids to open cause goodness knows, teenage boys can tear up anything! And if it has to do with anything electronic, they got it under control!

On my list, is the masterpiece you mentioned. :0)
I would like one of the those love to clean my house genes.
One of the new inventions that automatically sorts, washes, dries, folds, and puts away my laundry (which reproduces while I sleep, I just know it does.)
And if there is anything such as a stress free, pain free day, I'd like one of those too.

As for everyone else, have a great and productive (you too Brandilyn) weekend. I intend to write my socks off. :0)

Hugs!

C.J. Darlington said...

1. A Starbucks within walking distance of my house.

2. An extra 5 hours in the day for pleasure reading.

3. To have the innate ability to translate the movie in my mind onto the page in exact detail so anyone reading it will have the same picture in theirs.

4. To be able to erase my memory so I can read my writing as if it was someone else's.

Becky said...

Fun Christmas List:

1. Inside info on just what is happening (in which drawer/pile/desk/trash bin) with the proposals/manuscripts I sent out.

2. New dentless kitchen cabinets (I pick up the habits of people I hang around, even virtually! ; )

3. The ability to write my first draft and have it read like a final draft. (Hahah--really a dream list!)

4. A writing voice that every editor, no matter what he was looking for, thinks is fresh and vibrant. (Hoo-hoo--this is FUN! I'm starting to get on a roll here).

5. Picketers at every Christian book store with signs reading "MORE FANTASY."

6. A new desk chair that will not let me up until I have completed the day's word count.

7. A clock that stops while I write (it feels like no time passes at all--seems very unfair that it does when I don't know it's happening. Hahah)

8. The latest computer technology at no increased cost and with no learning curve. (Now you can see--I really am a fantasy writer. Heh heh heh).

Guess I'll stop there--other thoughts are getting all serious.

Stay warm, y'all.

Becky

Gina said...

Top of my list is to clone myself so I can give my full attention to all four of my kids while homeschooling and be able to write for eight hours a day and to have a quiet time that lasts longer than five minutes and cook dinner instead of throwing together leftovers and get the laundry finished and exercise daily and have time to catch a good movie, read a great book, have a social life and spend hours on the computer reading blogs.

Taking a breath now. Am I ranting?

Oh, and one more clone to open those plastic covered CD's.

Jenny said...

Okay, I'm reving the engine ... Here goes!
I wish I could make enough money writing so I could quit teaching and then just be able to volunteer in class to get my kid fix and then walk away back to my top of the line computer and all the stories in my head would just come out in coherent yet literary pieces of the exact word count and style needed to keep me able to stay home and write allowing me to go to school as a volunteer when I need a kid fix and...
You get the idea.
Five more days until Christmas break. Just five. I can do five. I can, I really, really, can. Can't I?

Abundant blessings all