Monday, April 10, 2006

Serial Killer at Mount Hermon


This is a sad Monday, indeed, BGs.

There’s a serial killer on the loose at Mount Hermon.

This killer is bumping off all the chick lit authors. First body found was Kristin Billerbeck on Friday night. Beaten to death with a Prada purse with a lead pipe inside. (In the library.) She was found by James Rock. (This really is somebody’s name here. I cannot call him Jim, or I will die next.) James was chasing an editor and tripped over the body. Inspector Ingermanson was called to the scene. His sidekick, Rich Bullock, decided to pose as a romance author and intermingle with conferees.

The agents and editors signing up chick lit authors ran around the next day in a panic. Chip MacGregor offered a reward of $9.57 cents to find the killer. Do not ask me where this number came from. Steve Laube kicked in another forty-three cents.

Anybody ever think agents aren’t cheap?

Next night—another body. Meredith Efken. Suffocated with a dirty diaper. Reported by her roommate, Camy Tang, who found her in the bathtub. Inspector I. was totally frazzled. Who was doing this?

Steve Laube, Meredith’s agent, nearly came unglued. “Ah!” he cried. “Think of all the royalty cuts I’ll be missing!” He decided to kick in some more reward money. $5.32!

This left him with just enough money for an espresso in the morning.

Just tonight—the killer struck again. Poor, sweet, little Camy Tang. Injected with poisonous wasabi. She was discovered by her agent, Wendy Lawton, who was busily chatting with one of her dolls as she walked back to her room.


Ahh, me. Who could be killing off all these chick-litters? And why? Is it the agents? Is it the editors? Is it jealous wannabe authors? Is it Inspector Ingermanson?

Is it a poisonous spider? Heh-heh . . .

Please, somebody out there—help us!

22 comments:

Dineen A. Miller said...

All the chick-lit authors are now been corraled into one building. The hysteria is deafening! Someone send help!

relevantgirl said...

Thanks for this, er, reporting. It almost feels like I'm there!

Be careful, I hear suspense writers are next...

Don't forget to . . . live!

Vennessa said...

ROTFLOL!

Personally, I would be a little suspicious of the Inspector Ingermanson. Any man that owns a wardrobe full of women's attire has to be a little fishnet ... ah, fishy.

Cheryl Russell said...

ROTFLOL!

Thanks for the laugh. Good way to start a Monday. :-)

Ruth said...

ROFLOL! This is hysterical...I mean really tremendous, Pulitzer-winning reporting. :) (I linked here from Camy's site.) Thanks for sharing!

One More Writer said...

Makes me miss Mount Hermon. *sigh* Wish I were there to join in the fun. But at least I can laugh as you post!

Thanks Brandilyn!

Karen Wevick said...

I doubt if it's a spider, even though it would be a little tough to spot an exotic spider hanging out with all the regular MH spiders. I just think that all the chick-lit authors would either run screaming or send them to spider neverland with a ton of hairspray. Beware though, after last year's power outage, you never know what will happen. I would keep my flashlight handy tonight if you know what I mean.

Wayne Scott said...

A likely suspect would be a secular Chick Lit author - jealous of having his/her market eroded.

Have their been any Helen Fielding sightings? :)

Kaye Dacus said...

Hmmm... is it just me or does the person writing this blog have just a little too much info on all these grizzly demises to not be considered a suspect? After all, if swatting flies can put her into the mood to write murder/suspense novels...

Miss y'all so much and wish I could be there.

Stuart said...

They haven't found any strands of long red hair at the crime scenes have they?

Maybe it is the ghost of a frustrated never-published writer who wrote the very first chick-lit book in 1891, but the publishers of the time didn't like the strong independtant woman protaganist, and were appalled at her facination with rouge and paris silk. Now she is taking revenge on all the "hacks" who have stolen her idea... hmmm....

Ane Mulligan said...

I know! I know! It's Ane Mulligan & Gina Holmes, who didn't have the bucks to go to the conference. They're saving theirs for the ACFW conference. They hired Mike Snyder to do the dirty deed since he had enough $$$ to go there. So arrest him!

Gina Holmes said...

Ane, personally, I have no motivation to kill chick-lit authors except that it might help me with research. Your motivation? To snag Camy Tang's juicy 3 book deal with Zondervan? Though I don't see you writing Asian anything.

My first thought was, is Ray Blackston there? Maybe killing off chick-lit authors makes more room for lad lit? Though Mike Snyder probably had something to do with it regardless. He seems so sweet but you know how that goes.

Gina Holmes said...

Ane, personally, I have no motivation to kill chick-lit authors except that it might help me with research. Your motivation? To snag Camy Tang's juicy 3 book deal with Zondervan? Though I don't see you writing Asian anything.

My first thought was, is Ray Blackston there? Maybe killing off chick-lit authors makes more room for lad lit? Though Mike Snyder probably had something to do with it regardless. He seems so sweet but you know how that goes.

Robin Caroll said...

You know....if Colleen Coble were there, I'd swear she and Brandilyn were in cohoots to get rid of the pesky chick-lit authors. I noticed it's only the published ones being offed...hmmm.....but since the have passed....can I claim Kris' handbag collection, Meredith's notes on computer wizardry, and Camy's soon-to-own cappo machine? I mean, really, they won't need them anymore, right? Right. Now, if the killer would just contact me, I'll be happy to give him/her a list of who their next victim should be...I know several things I want to, uh, inherit!

Karen said...

Has anyone checked to see if the Prada handbag matches the plaid on MacGregor's kilt?

Anonymous said...

Karen, that' s hilarious!

Pammer said...

ROFLOL! I can't breathe, that is tooooo funny.

Is it just me or does Robin's request look suspiciously like...motivation? Bwahahaha.

I also linked from Camy site, as I was looking for more Colleen Coble interviews.

Pammer said...

Oh NO! With Camy gone, that makes the Fab Four, the Fab....Three? Doesn't have the same ring, does it?

mrsd said...

Most chicks die after Easter.

Bonnie Calhoun said...

ROFLOL!!! This is too funny. Those guys are sure having fun at Mount Hermon....but I think Miss Brandilyn is anything but innocent...expecially since she happens to know all the details!

Or is this just a red-herring???

ragamuffin diva said...

Murder and Mayhem at Mt. Hermon!?! Poor Godchicks! I just hope there won't be Accidents and Annihilations at ACFW. Jeff Gerke would kill me if I died before I finished book three.

Uh oh... Did I just cast suspicion on the editors?

Heaven help us!
Claudia Mair Burney,
Terrified chick-it author

Sigrun said...

Oh no, not Camy. I was just getting to really know her. Sniff. She seemed to be such a nice kid. Who could do such an awful thing.