Thursday, June 25, 2009
How to Stab Someone at a Dinner Party and Get Away With It
You can dress up a suspense author, but you really shouldn't take her out.
I have burning questions. And they need answers. Now.
I know I come across as strange. I know a certain hot tub repair man (young, cute guy) from years ago will never forget my animated questions about dead bodies and bubbles from the jets in their lungs ...
This time it was a dinner party. Five couples and I. (Hubby couldn't attend due to a meeting.) Everyone having a good time, eating appetizers before the main course and talking in small groups.
I hone in on the retired doc. "Have a medical question for you."
He gives me a look. This guy knows what "medical question" means in my dictionary. "Shoot."
"Actually I'm not shooting, I'm stabbing. I want to kill this woman by getting to her heart. But I'm coming at her from the back. With a long carving knife. How do I do that?"
Doc doesn't even flinch. What a great guy. "Hm. I'm used to seeing messed up patients in the ER and fixing them. Don't usually think about the other side of things..." He ponders a bit. "Well, you'd have to miss shoulder blades and ribs. If you ..." He launches into where to stick the knife and at what angle. A lengthy discussion ensues. He calls his wife over (a nurse). She gets to play victim as he demonstrates.
By this time our other friends are looking up from their conversations and caviar and Alaskan crab. "Sorry." I draw up my shoulders. "I'm just ..."
They're used to me. Some of them watch the enactment. Others go back to eating. Some do both. Imported cheese and a stabbing. Double the entertainment.
Our fatal conversation finally winds down. I've got my scene. Doc stares off into the distance as if not quite satisfied. He clearly enjoys this stuff as much as I do. "But she's not going to die right away," he says.
"Yikes." Hadn't planned on that. "How long will it take?"
We discuss how long it needs to take for the scene to work. Which is ... not long.
He comes up with a brilliant idea, a twist on the stabbing technique. It's not the knife going in that kills her. It's the knife coming out--from some not so medically savvy folks who are trying to help after the stabbing.
Love the ironic touch.
We launch into a new discussion of how this would work. By the time we're done our hostess is calling us to the table. Doc's wife--the victim--has long since managed to wander off.
"By the way," Doc says. "Does this person deserve to die?"
He winces. "I just killed an innocent person."
I grin. "You're the best, Doc."
Later hubby asked if I'd had a good time at the dinner party. "Oh, yeah. It was quite the killer event."
He knew better than to ask me for an explanation.