Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Washington Post Alternate Definitions

Two things before I get to the Washington Post list:

1. You may have seen email notices yesterday about Strang Communications now being in the market for romance manuscripts. The email wasn't clear whether Strang would look at manuscripts from yet unpublished authors, so I contacted the editor to clear that up. Debbie rewrote her announcement paragraph to make her answer clear for us:

The Strang Book Group is now considering publishing Christian romance novels (mainly prairie romance or Amish romance) from both established writers and newcomers. In order to be considered for publication, manuscripts must be completely written and must be the first installment in a three- or four-book series, with summaries for all books in the series having been developed. Please submit completed manuscripts and corresponding series ideas to Debbie Marrie, imprint editor for the Strang Book Group, at debbie.marrie@strang.com.

2. Today I will be trying to travel from Kentucky back to California--through an ice storm. If I'm delayed, you may not find a Wednesday post here, as I always post at night for the following morning.

The Washington Post sponsors a contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. The winners ought to give you a good laugh. I think these date to last year. I've yet to see a January 2009 list. If anyone has seen it, do let us all know.

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
6. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
7. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
8. Flatulence (n .) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
9. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
10. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
11. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
12. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
13. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
14. Circumvent (n.) , an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The Washington Post also asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
3. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
4. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
5. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
6. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
7. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease.
8. Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
9. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
10. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
11. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
12. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
13. Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
14. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.


Nicole said...

Oh so clever.

Tracy said...

Those are hilarious! Thanks for sharing!

BousMama said...

I just about spewed my coffee onto my computer! Thanks for a chuckle this morning!

Hannah said...

Hilarious! I love the definition of Frisbeetarianism. Oh, and I've had a few Beelzebugs in my bedroom, too, except they were vicious ants.

Blinky St. James said...

Those were hilarious! I hope someone finds a list for 2009! :D Thanks for sharing.

Domino said...

Okay, I got through Abdicate with just a smile on my face. Esplanade forced an audible chuckle. After number ten, I had to take a deep breath and wipe the corners of my eyes before I could go on. After reading 11-14, I realized there is such a thing as a humor-layering effect. Number 6 by itself is funny, but I could read it without an audible chuckle - if it were alone. But put Number 6 after five others and I'm totally losing it.

Thanks for layering it on us today. This was good. This was very good.

Pam Halter said...


And I'm very happy my Listerine is not olive flavored. I mean, I love olives ... but would prefer them with wine and cheese. ;)

Robert Parrish said...

Bless you, Brandilyn. All logophiles salute you for making our day more fun!